Good Grief: A Case for Processing Your Loss.
It’s safe to say, the past 18-24 months have been extraordinarily challenging. On an unprecedented global level, we have seen the cumulative effects of COVID, political tension, racial division, economic instability, natural disasters, and more. These compounding realities have brought with them a significant common denominator: loss. It’s highly possible that you, or someone you know, has lost a loved one, lost a job, lost freedoms, lost time and momentum on a pursuit, lost friendships, lost a business, lost a home or living situation, lost something you had been planning to do or be a part of, lost a lifestyle you once enjoyed, lost proximity to people you love, or something else of significance. Sadly, the list could go on and on.
“ In the face of so much loss, we could just move on and press on, but does that work? ”
The hard part is, these external losses have also brought losses internally – losses of joy, hopefulness, zeal, ambition, connection, optimism, to name a few. In the face of so much loss, we could just move on and press on, but does that work? It didn’t for me.
A little over four months ago, I found myself repeatedly struggling with concentration, a foggy mind, moments of tasking paralysis, low-grade depression and prolonged tiredness – physically, emotionally, even spiritually. And then it all came to a head. While processing life with a couple of dear friends at a favorite coffee shop (and their question of, “How are you doing?”), I experienced a first. I had an anxiety attack. As you can imagine (or perhaps familiar with), it was alarming. Better put, it was an alarm, telling me it was time to wave a flag and address what was going on deep inside of me (because of all that had been going on around me).
“ You can focus on what is concerning in the world (at-large) or you can give attention to what you can influence personally (at-hand). ”
With a resolve to not stay in the condition I found myself in, and the care and support of dear friends, I took strategic steps to work on… me. One of those steps was joining a grief recovery support group. The eight-week program was an investment that proved to be one of THE pivotal factors in finding my footing again. I uncovered and discovered a lot about myself and just how significant grief is. Acknowledging my loss and its impact was critical to moving forward.
I know I am not alone. As I survey the land and see so many, knowingly and unknowingly, struggling with loss. For this reason, I have become passionate in sharing “the good news” - YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE STUCK. There is a pathway through the grief. It’s not an easy journey, but it’s worth taking. If you are weighing out the value of processing loss, here are several points worthy of consideration (as articulated in The Grief Recovery Handbook used in my group):
“While we have learned much about acquiring things, we have precious little accurate information on what to do when we lose them. Loss is inevitable. Sometimes loss is even predictable. In spite of these truths, we receive no formal training in how to respond to events that are guaranteed to happen and sure to cause pain and disruption. We are even advised not to learn about dealing with loss—or at the very least, not to talk about it. ‘What’s done is done.’ ‘You have to move on.’ ‘Don’t burden others with your feelings.’ The list goes on and on.”
“…society literally teaches us to act recovered. Understanding this aspect of grief is enormously important. A false image of recovery is the most common obstacle all grievers must overcome if they expect to move beyond their loss. Academy award recovery is its name. It could also be called ‘I’m fine,’ or, ‘Put on your happy face,’ or, ‘Be fine for my family and friends,’ or, ‘I want to help others.’
“Unresolved grief consumes tremendous amounts of energy. Most commonly, the grief stays buried under the surface, and only the symptoms are treated. Many people, including mental health professionals, misunderstand the fact that unresolved loss is cumulative and cumulatively negative... We pay a high price for the incorrect information we have about dealing with loss. Each time a loss is not properly concluded, there is cumulative restriction on our aliveness.”
“Time itself does not heal; it is what you do within time that will help you complete the pain caused by loss.”
“Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. All efforts to heal the heart with the head fail because the head is the wrong tool for the job. It’s like trying to paint with a hammer—it only makes a mess.”
“What causes my grief—the loss or my reaction to the loss? …the answer is both. While we cannot undo what has happened, we can do something about our reaction. We can acquire skills to help us complete our relationship to the pain, disappointment, frustration, and heartache caused by what has happened.”
Where do you find yourself today? Has loss got you stuck? You can focus on what is concerning in the world (at-large) or you can give attention to what you can influence personally (at-hand). Your well-being is worth considering, worth taking on, and worth prioritizing.
Allow me to state it boldly… there’s a strong case for YOU.
“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 (NLT)
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
Note: The book referenced in this blog is valuable and insightful. However, I strongly recommend processing loss within the context of a certified recovery group where you can effectively work through things in a dedicated and structured manner (timing, format, feedback). Also, if you are struggling with depression and significant anxiety, please reach out to a licensed counselor for help. You are not alone, but you can’t do this alone.
Looking for an official Grief Recovery Method support group? Check out a directory. Live in Santa Clarita, CA? Join a group.
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash